An Exploration of Love - Love of Another

So far in this series we have covered self-love and parental love. We have also discussed how different types of parental love can aid in embedding within the child the two types of self-love – love for yourself today and love for yourself tomorrow – that are necessary for long-term positive mental health. In this post we will look at love for others.

Love for someone else is often confused, or muddied, with reliance, need, safety, comfort etc. We will first discuss some examples that, although don’t make love for the other impossible, they certainly make it more difficult.

Firstly, reliance. If one relies of someone else, as in their positive emotion is purely dependant on the presence of the other, it is very difficult to truly love the other. Love isn’t about reliance, it necessitates freedom, independence, individuality as well as togetherness. To be unable to be without the other, for a period of time, means you are unable to give them these experiences that are integral to love.

Secondly, safety. If one is unable to provide themselves with a feeling of safety; if they do not feel safe with themselves, then leaning on another to provide that safety, mostly removes that ability for love. One who has experienced a turbulent, unsafe upbringing, may crave a relationship that provides physical safety. But, this craving, makes one vulnerable to abusive relationships. At what cost will that safety by sought? Will it be enough to ignore financial abuse or psychological abuse? Unfaithfulness? If so, there is no love within such a relationship.

Lastly, comfort. To not experience comfort within parental relationships, may make one vulnerable to seeking out comforting parent-like relationships. To find, essentially, someone to “mother” you. These relationships may result in the majority of responsibility being passed onto the other, allowing one to keep their child-like personality and experience comfort in the relationship. Often, these relationships occur when the other is one who craves the parent-like role – this way both people have their cravings for a certain type of relationship filled, yet neither love the other. They love their idea of the other, the role they fulfil, not the person they are.

So, what does a truly loving relationship require? For both partners to have the ability to embody both types of self-love, means they are, in a way, self-sufficient when it comes to mental health. This results in a lack of reliance or need for the other. Instead, their presence with the other is purely due to the others personality. They don’t love the role or idea of the other, they love the others actual person. Their uniqueness. This equates to a confident, trust filled, mutual relationship. Oddly enough, often one where both are willing and able to argue. It is the need for the other, that prevents arguing for the fear that they may lose them. A relationship without argument, is one built on rotting foundations.